was accompanying abby in bed earlier and she was making shadow with her hands.

she made a shadow of a butterfly and ask me what it was. I told her I think it's a bird. she laugh and told me it was a butterfly.

she then made the same shadow again and ask me to guess. I quickly said butterfly!

no, mummy.. it's my hands!

dear m,

i am missing you so much now.

these few days, i have thinking about that date we had in Sydney. photos evidence shows that it happened on a day in july 06.

two days before the date, jk drove me 999km from brissy and we scared the hell of you and your cousin when we knocked on your door late that night. you almost did not want to open the door because you tot we were due the next day. hahaha.

i slept with you that night while jk slept in the study couch. you warm the bed for us like how you always warm my heart. we talked so much that night and i drool on your pillow. hehehe.

the next morning you took us breakfast at manly beach. i spend that day with jk running errands and picking his parents up from the airport. at night he send me back to your place again. we talked till wee morning and I drool again.

the next day was the date.

all i could remember was in the morning your uncle took us out of the house. to where? i cant remember. in the car, your aunt was gently asking baby G why did she cried last night. was she really upset or just throwing a tantrum. at 2/3 years old, baby G replied in full sentence that she was just throwing a tantrum after a thoughtful pause. then your aunt asked if that behaviour was right. she said no. then your aunt asked what must she say now. she apologized for her behaviour with her head hanging low and in a full sentence again. i was amazed. from then, i told myself my kid and i have to be like that but 13 years later, with three kids, i am still far from that - only manage on the part asking my kid, what must you say now.. hahaha.. #asianmums

i remember taking a train with you. before we board the train, you were telling me all the disgusting unhygienic events you witnessed and warned me not to touch anything. when the train finally arrived, you turned back and said, watch me and do what i do. i wanted to laugh but your face was dead serious.

i only remember that we were heading to the city but what we did that day is a blank. with the amount of love you have for me, i am sure we must have visited a kookai that day.

i also remember us waiting for a bus in the late afternoon or evening to go for max brenner near some water (maybe circular quay). why max brenner? because you knew i love chocolates. i remembered that we waited very long at the bus stop. there was a shelf of colourful  smeg/kitchenaid cake mixers in a shop behind the bus stop. i remember telling myself that i would want one in the future. though i am not much a baker, the hubs got me one anyway. :)

did we really took a bus to max brenner? i dont remember because photos shows that we were on a ferry - we passed by the opera house and the bridge. i remember there was sudden strong wind with water (more like a mini hurricane actually) and we ran for our lives towards the cafe. i had my first suckao that day. i forgot why i always have a thing for suckao but now i am reminded - i had my first with you.

how we got home that day, i have no memories of it. maybe your cousin came and pick us up because it was raining so heavily and the wind was so strong.

that day was really special to me - it's our last one on one date.
it's a shame i have so little memories of it.
wishing we could go on one again.


xoxo,
me.

the crescent moon shinny brightly outside my window is now gone.

matthias had just fed and now falling asleep on me. so reliant but soon this moment will be gone too.

my heart full of sadness and regrets so are my eyes with tears now that you are gone too.... 

ten ten.

yay! we made it through 20 days (almost three weeks)!


#11. he is about 52 cm and 3.8 kg now! fitting so much better into his clothes now. he is going to outgrow all my $3 kmart onesies very soon. :(

he has already outgrew this hand-me-down swaddle I liked alot cus he looked like a long bean in it. hahaha.
luckily I have a photo, not very nice one, of him in it for keepsakes. :)


#12. he is also growing some serious neck and arm rolls. his arms are no longer the same thickness as my plams. his fingers are also not that tiny anymore.

#14. dark black hair with a little thickness.


#15. I think he has double eyelids that has yet to come out fully. so far they only appear when he is sleepy.


#16. he is taking about 90-120ml per feed now and has this clustered feeding around 3pm-9pm which he drinks every 1-2hours. other than that he cries for milk every 2.5hours in the day and about 3.5 hours at night.


#17. he can burp very loud. sometimes when he is falling asleep and he is awaken by his own burps. then he will peep and give that who-so-noisy-I-am-sleeping look, roll his eyes and goes back to sleep. #ialsowanttorollmyeyes.


#18. he snores too! less frequently now. sometimes it's so loud he is awake by the sound. lol.


#19. about two days ago, he started to have colic.
T_______________T
暄 has very bad colic and will cry for hours which only her daddy can soothe her. hopefully this little boy's will not be that bad.


#20. his skin is really sensitive! at day 13, his face suddenly had a lots of red angry looking spots which still have not clear yet. and we are still trying to find out the cause.
T_______________T

check out his spots! even he dont look too pleased. lol.

ten.

so it has been 10 days! so far everything has been going smoothly. still waking up every 2-4 hrs to feed but no complaints since he still have jaundice. sleeps well at night as in the day. poops and pees well and no comfort feeding! YAY!
:)


#1. so he arrived at 38 weeks and was 10mins earlier than the scheduled time of 1130.

#2. cried so loud when he came out and wouldn't stop. but when the hubs spoke to him, he recognised his daddy's voice and stopped crying immediately! so the hubs may be telling the truth when he said he talks to my tummy every night when I am sleeping. :)

#3. the smallest of my three babies, weighing only 3.09kg when he was born. when we got discharged at 3 days old, he was only 2.76kg.
:(
but the good news is, at his one week old check, he is back to almost 3kg. his barely 250g weight gain is starting to show as his fingers and arms are not that stick thin anymore and the skin on his knees are no longer just hanging.

#4. he has milia on his nose and I really think he has a nice sharp nose. :)

#5. he also has a mild case of erythema toxicum which is getting better but new spots will still appear every now and then.

#6. he has cute little turf of fuzz on the back of  each side of his shoulders. and just two days ago, I realised his whole back is covered will hair! lol.
#furball.

#7. he loves sleeping on his stomach, curling up on our chest. #itsmyfavouritetoo

#8. he burps fairly easily compared to the girls - one burps once a blue moon and the other burps only after hours of patting her on the back and using various pattern.

#9. he smiles when he is contented with his milk or when he sleeps like #7. #nopeitsnotreflexes #andidontcarewhatyousay #itsaSMILE

#10. and he finally has a name - Matthias (文耀)!

3 more days!

have been procrastinating for the longest time ever and thought i better write something since it is only three days left before #楊弟弟 (琳 came out with this) comes. :)

so, baby #3 is due in three days! not really ready since we dont really have a name for him yet. should we name him to reach for stars, be at the top of the peak or just be safe? the moment the sonographer told me that we are going to have a boy, the sound of roaring motorcycles ran through my head and boys in green army uniform appeared. I shuddered at the thought. at that moment, I knew all I wanted is my boy to grow up healthy and safe. that's why I like the name 文安. but it has this 60s feel that I am not sure if my boy would like it as much.

and all the nagging from the dr about c-sec complications is scaring the hell of out me. okie, but I have to clarify. by nagging I mean he mentioned it thrice. he is usually quite chill. so when he mentions something thrice, it really makes me think quite a bit about it. not that there is anything I can do about it though.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/c-section/expert-answers/c-sections/faq-20058380

point #1 from the above is the one dr has been "nagging" about. hopefully everything will go well since my best friend says that the occurrence is less than 1% but women with repeated cesarean are about four times as likely to have a bladder injury at delivery versus those who did not have a previous cesarean delivery.
T_______________T

baby cot have been setup and left with sheet covers which mummy says will put on on sunday when bb comes home so it will not be dusty.

baby clothes are all washed and smelling nice. have put aside a few for sunday which mummy will pick out one depending on his actual size. last visit to the dr on friday, he measured about 3kg. dr says when he is out, will be probably abt 3.1-3.2kg. which is about 暄's size. I hoped the dr is right because I dont think I can handle any babies smaller than 暄. she was my threshold - so fragile and light earning her the title of 鳳爪.

hospital bag and admission letter packed. oh left the clothes to wear on sunday. what should I wear? actually the question is what can fit me? lol.


***


anyway the favourite questions/remarks for this pregnancy:
- oh it's a boy arh! good arh. you all have been trying for a boy?
- any difference between a boy pregnancy and girl one?


actually we were not planning anything - I was already packing the girls baby clothes and stuff to throw/give away. though secretly I am slightly relived that's bb is a boy. can you imagine three teenage girls under one roof? cat fights, tears and brawl every day? lol. but the worrying part is, I have no idea how to raise a boy. I want him to be confident but not egotistical. I want him to love me but not a mama's boy. I want him to be brave but still be safe. so many wants.
anyway hopefully with a boy, he can help balance out the family dynamics a little. :)


all three pregnancies are quite different. but one of the main differences is the emotions. with the girls, I am like super emo - tears are always brimming. with this boy, i am like so cool. even when the hubs fell and injured himself. I was like, ok. I dont even remember myself being so 冷靜 in these 30 years. hahaha.

for this boy, I must also eat my daily quota of red meats. if I dont eat enough of pork/beef, I will be snacking non stop every other hour till i go sleep. so I must be doing it right since my weight gain so far is only 5kg. :)



***


琳's one was the most pampered one. we went for the most holidays and a babymoon. most supply of bird nest. I was the most 聽話 - no caffeine/alcohol and no raw food. I ate what dr cordelia advised - lots of proteins and fruits. and the hubs was the most attentive. :)

暄's one was the one with the most puke and I ate two oysters.

this pregnancy has been the most physically tired and painful one. you won't want to know what I have been eating either...
was puking throughout my first trimester that I lost almost 6kg.
Braxton Hicks appear even before the second trimester. and now some of the BH are so painful I cant tell if it's the real thing or not.
legs swell up at the end of the first trimester. I feel them wobbling when I walk and I cant fit into my shoes. 暄 has been calling then elephant legs. T_______________T
then came legs cramps at the middle of the night. they were so painful that the next few days my muscles were so sore that it felt like I had ran a half marathon. at its peak, the legs were also cramping during the day. but ever since I took some time off work to rest, my legs are better - no more leg cramps and I can see my ankles and veins!
now are the pain/cramps at the pelvic area. seriously I never had them before.
i was also having insomnia. I will go to bed about 10plus and wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning. so I tried going to bed later but I will still wake up 4. cant go to bed any later because the next day I will be too tired at work.
my heart rate was also quite weird. at rest, it can go up to 120! so I cut away my coffee/tea but it did not really work until recently dr put me on hl for a week.

three more days till all these pain goes away and yummy hospital food!
oh and my favourite aunty Suriati - will be seeing her end of the month!
seriously I cant wait. :)

ms lin is probably having her first 聽寫 now. and I am have thousands butterflies in my tummy. cant wait for 11am to know she fair.

暄  found an old toy wand last night in their toy box. she waved it around turned me into a penguin.

pretending to be angry, fine, later who make milk for you? 

the penguin. 

**le hubs laughing his head off at the side.....**

dear rosanne,

today your first ever pet, a goldfish, died.
we only had it for 2 days and havent even got to name it yet.
you must be so sad.

i wasnt at home at the moment it happened.
your little aunt told me that you thought that your fish has learnt a new trick of swimming upside down while sleeping. but after dinner she broke to you the news that it was actually dead and you cried.

you then said, i take the fish out and sayang it then put somewhere else. and thats exactly what you did.

you "went to the tank, scooped it out without any fear and hesitation. then proceeded to sayang it."

both you and abby got dressed and went down with auntie jels and uncle junyang to find a place to "bury" your poor fish.

you werent happy with the first burial site - a still pond.
so uncle junyang scooped the fish back up and you chose another pond with a little waterfall which you believed was a better spot. T________________T

i am so proud of the compassion you have shown your pet, even though you had it only for two days. being sympathetic is not something that can be taught. definition may help you to identify the feeling you have but it cannot make you kind if you dont have it inside you already.

please continue to be compassionate, kind and thoughtful which i think are characters more important than being academic which you will be nothing without good character.

Character is much easier kept than recovered. 

-Thomas Paine

love, 
mummy.

just a small action but it means so much.

earlier while i was making milk for the two little monsters. 

rosanne saw a few speckle of milk powder landing on the table top and she quickly took the table cloth from the table behind us to clean it up for me!

i am really surprised and touched that at her age, she is helping me to clean up without being asked.
it is no longer just taking her toy vacuum and pretend to clean the floor for me but a real cloth to wipe up my mess.

i think i now officially have one toddler less and a little girl more. T_____T 

#foodbaby

i wonder how a manager gets into a managerial post with no managerial skills or foresight.
i dont want to be like them. so this a reminder to myself, when i am there, that hopefully i wont be like them.


dear future me, 

if one day you are given the recognition to manage some unfortunate poor souls bright-eyes, please remember not to manage them like your own kids. 
but remember not to give up on them like how you are not going to ever give up on your own kids. 
you handpicked them and they accepted. 
if you are to give up on them so easily (like a month) then they will give up on you easily too. 
you need to give people second chance. of cus only to those who deserves it. 

you are also going to need a lot of foresight. 
you need it grow the team and each individual.
it is really sad to see potential people, working for managers who only see day-to-day, wonder around but never upwards. 

you also need to keep your "bias-ness" in check. 
i guess it is human that we have our favourites. 
you will like smart/intelligent people more than those whom you think are not.
you will also like people whom you know for a longer period than those you are not familiar with. 
there are also people whom you will tend to stereotype.
but just consistently remind and ask yourself if you are being fair/equal to all of them.

last of all, do not, DO NOT, turn an blind eye to mistakes of your favourite staff. 

one mistake will lead to another. and it will be a vicious cycle. 
covering up for them will not grow them but slow their growth cus they will never learn.

mistakes have the power to turn you into something better than you were before. -ANONYMOUS

good luck! 

love, 

me

not sure why i am being so affect by her passing - much more than i expected.

what her husband said during his eulogy is very true, she is very brave.

i dont think i knew anyone else who has cancer for 18 years and carried on living on her life to the best she can. 

***


牽我的手
詞曲: 林義忠


牽我的手，我的主啊，請祢麥離開我，
這條路 我擱要行，我需要 祢來作伴。

牽我的手，我的主啊，請祢麥離開我，
有時我會驚，有時不知按怎行，
有時敢若聽不著祢的聲。

牽我的手，請祢與我作伴，
互我的腳步又穩又定，
走到祢的門前，聽到祢的聲，
與我說：入來我的囝！

***

i will always remember your bravery and your trust in God.

That He will always be there and has his plans.

few nights ago, i hugged the girls goodnight.

琳 : mummy, i can smell you! your hair smells so nice!

thats like after a day at work.. sweat and hawker oily smoke.... yucks.
but it sure feels nice to hear nice about my hair.... =)

on saturday when the dodo came over, 琳 also asked her to smell my hair cus really smells nice... lol...


***

maybe she is trying to make me feel better about my hair.

last month at the kiwi's, once the rollers were off, 琳 screamed, 阿嬷!
T_______________T

and as if i didnt understand her, see, now you look like 阿嬷.
T______________________________T

when we were on the way home, she still would not let it rest... keep reminding to wash and comb my hair when we reached home later.
when at home she keep asking me why i havent go wash my hair and comb it.. she still ambushed me with a comb from the back while i was watching tv. 暄 also started to learn and ambushed me with her comb or anything that could comb my hair.. -_-"
and this lasted for a week before they both left my hair alone.... #saddestweekofmylife

i think now they are getting used to it.
琳 said it bounces and says it smells nice!
but well, i will now think twice when i am going to perm my hair the next time...
and also think of how to protect my curls from the two crazy monsters.. lol.

two nights ago, rosanne came out of her room after i tuck them both into bed..

me: what are doing out here?
ros: helping you to cover blanket. later you will be cold.


her random sweetness.

last night the older one begged me to sleep with them...

me : why?

r : cos no one take care of the kids....

me : what kids?

r : these two kids (point to herself and her sister)

-_-"

finally some sense.

saw this poster on the bus this morning.

remembered there was once, mummy, sis, baby and i took a bus back after grocery.
we load the pram with the heavy grocery.
i carried baby. we didnt have the baby carrier out with us that day cus we took the stroller.
mummy and sis carried the pram on the bus and the bus driver started to yelled at us to close the pram.

we told him we dont have any more extra pairs of hands for the the groceries if we close the pram -we still each have grocery bags in our hands and not to mention we bought rice too.

he didnt really care and just sat in his kingly driver seat and yelled at us. refusing to start the bus until we close the pram.

at that point i really want to get off the bus.
i mean he could have helped us right?

he was also accusing us taking up lots of space with the open stroller.
but when we took the groceries out, we took up even more space cus we cant stack the groceries much on air.

we are not blocking anybody on the bus. the bus was the type with lots of standing area.
the pram is not huge and we are using it like a trolley market basket standing at the side of the bus.
since when do people need to unload the groceries from the trolley basket to board the bus?
trolley basket dont even have wheel locks. isnt that also dangerous?


from then, i just take the lrt.
yes, lrt is an alternative.
but what is the purpose of public bus if the public cant take it?

anyway, just glad that there is still some sense left and i am not the only person having trouble with prams and bus.

I want to be around people that 

do things.

I don’t want to be around people anymore that 

judge or talk about what people do.

I want to be around people that 

dream and support and do things.

Amy Poehler

"you just now says turn left, now (you says) turn right. Say sorry!"

an interesting conversation between the little girl and google map.

225cal, 3.2km, 24.08mins