Part 1 - Runaway brides in Singapore: Janice’s story
Part 2 - Runaway brides of Singapore: Picking up the pieces
i guess i am luckier than those girls and it feels awful to suddenly realised that they are not ready to settle down with the other person.
***
back in 2007, i was faced with a similar situation. no, i did not cancel any wedding but this post was the tip of the iceberg of the stress i was facing.
i just came back to sg and was just into my first job for less than 6 months when it all started. it was already getting harder to get a house back then. princess' brother waited quite awhile before they got theirs. so out of concern, the elders of his family begin to ask us to start BTO-ing for a house. the talk was innocent but the pressure i felt was great. every weekend, i hear the same talks.
i had sleepless nights over it. staying up involuntarily and thinking of all the commitments and mostly of "what ifs". dont get me wrong, i love to have house on our own. i was excited about the idea of having a house too. we drove around to see the new projects in punggol/sengkang and checkout its nearby amenities. with a house, i can host dinner gathering, decorate/design it the way i like it and get a pet!
but i was overwhelmed with the decisions/responsibilities that would come with the house. the design of the house, the furniture placement, what brand of electronic to buy, how to change a light bulb (this came to mind cus i was just thinking what if i can survive if princess is out of town. and i came to realised i cannot even do the simplest of task as such), the maintenance, the grocery, the laundry, the bills, the chores, the everything. i did not have a picture of "my house" in my mind. i was not ready to have a house.
yes, i lived overseas and i have to do most of the above on my own but it is still different. what i was doing in aussie was just temporary and if any parts of the house is not working, we just have to call the agent and they would solve it. but owning a house would mean that i need to do it forever. that sounds really scary. even now when i am typing this it still scares me but i have a pact with the hubs - that every 1,000 pieces of clothes i iron, i get a gucci and 100 times of washing toilet i get a coach. so that makes forever sounds happier. hahahahaha..
though i always believed that all relationship should lead to marriage, but at then, i was also thinking very hard if princess was "the one". most of our relationship time was ldr and i was having a hard time "shifting back". we were quarreling a lot, a lot. the longer we were together, we realised that we were more different than we thought we were. he was a "hokkien beng" and i am really a "宅女". *shy.. hehehe.. if you were to play hokkien songs in the car, he would be the one singing and i will be staring and blinking.. WHO IS THIS POSSESSED MAN?!? SOMEONE SAVE ME!! if you were to play english oldies in the car, i will be the singing out loud and he will be just driving.. he is an outdoor person while i prefer to stay indoors of shopping centers. and because of our age gap, things that just started to interest me, he has already got bored of it. i was just beginning to liking clubbing and partying, he was already yawning at thought of it. it was really the rocky part of our relationship and going to have a house! really?
i was really torn - should get a house first and decide later (like everyone else says) or follow what my mind&heart says? people were also telling me that "get a house only mah, not ask you to marry him also.. " so.. get house but dont marry? plan to marry but call it off later? i cannot do that. i cannot face my family, my relatives, my friends and the whole world and tell them "hello, i made a mistake and not getting married anymore". i just do not have that courage. =(
for those few months i feel forced to be in the relationship. i was not sure if i am in it because i love him or because we are getting a house. i was unhappy and miserable.
finally after another sleepless night, i called princess first thing in the morning to tell him that i that i am not ready for a house and thus the post. princess being princess of cus says i am being silly but the house topic did not come up anymore. =)
***
without the house issue, i got to pay attention to my own feelings and worked on the relationship. though we are still very different, we found things to do together. like he goes rollerblading and i broke my wrist. like i cook and he eats the yucky food.. hahaha =P
as times goes by things got settled and weirdly, i slowly begin to have pictures of "our house" in my head. i can envisage the wall colour of our study, what decoration theme, what furniture we like, what type of kitchen, where to buy our furniture, etc. i finally felt ready and old enough to have my house. =)
***
after he proposed in 2010, we started to actively hunt for house but up to the day we got married, we still could not get a house. there were times that i regretted not getting the house when other people say we should, anyway we did get married at the end of the day. but i knew i have done the right thing not to get the house back then. if we had, it would probably be unhappily married - to the house.
its all in the mind, you say. but the mind always just likes to play with me..
***
as the wedding date drew nearer, i was again uncertain if the man i was going to marry was the right man. what if i actually do not love him? what if he is a wife beater? what if something drastic happened to him and and he becomes a despondent gambler and waste our money all away? trillion what if pop into my head.
but i knew, dont know from when, i wanted him to be my kid's father because of his immeasurable patience with kids.
also dont know from when, i wanted to be the witness of his life.
There's a billion people on the planet...
I mean, what does any one life really mean?
But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.
The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day.
You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.
We need a witness to our lives.
Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'.
- Beverly Clark "Shall We Dance?" 2004
i have "discovered" that it would take more than a lifetime to know the person inside out and if he is the right man. so its kinda like never will know so it doesnt really matter anymore right? and i dont even know myself sometimes how would other know me? but i know he is not a bad person. he is responsible and dependable just a bit forgetful. still forgivable since he is not the more forgetful one in the relationship.. =P
we have both, during the marriage preparation class, acknowledge the fact that at each stage of relationship, the level of love is different. when dating, the love is more carefree - you can choose to like or not to like, no strings attached. when married, the level of love is high and more lovey dovey, especially when just married. and when times goes on and kids come along, the type of love of is more of responsibilities as a parent and commitment to keeping the family together.
one day after prep class, i blatantly told the hubs, "i not sure if i got enough love for forever but i will take good care of you ok? you can trust me ok?" well he trusted that he married me... hahahaha.. sometimes i really dont know who is the silly one.. but really if love were to run out one day, the next best choice is someone easy to live with right? princess though being princess is really someone quite nice to live with. he helps around the house (in aussie and now also) when he sees the chores are piling up. he is easily happy with washed clothes and ironed clothes. food not nice also never mind, he will think of the cause and give advises. see nice right?
***
to those girls, i really admire your courage. hope things will work out for you soon. =)
***
wow! such a long wordy post.. *bleah..
anyway tgif! its the first friday of 2013! hope everyone will have a good weekend! =)
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